It's 101 days since the fist time I laid eyes on Landyn, one hundred-one days since the first time we met, laughed together, and kissed. It's been full of everything from every direction, but now today I can officially say I have broken a Mychal Goad record. Three months ago today I became his girlfriend. And even if it's been a rough road we've never given up on each other. And for that I have been his and he has been mine for three months, 92 days. Honestly, I can't imagine not having him. He has proven himself to be the greatest man I've ever dated. I love him very much.
I want to keep him forever. :)
Love
ME
Monday, July 23, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Distractions Don't Help...
Reading, Friends, Sewing, Projects with mom, little Logan staying this weekend, and absolutely nothing helps.
The worst is when you know something is the best for both people and you can't let go. I care still a lot. I can't say I care too much because I don't feel like I do, care too much, that is. He's still always on my mind and always in my heart. I honestly don't think this will get any easier. I always feel the need to talk to him or text him. I don't feel like this should be over. I feel like we never finished our time. I thought doing what was best for him would come as easy for me to do. He's been the most important thing to me for so long I feel like going a whole day without talking to him is impossible. I find myself thinking of reasons throughout the day to text him. Excuses, really... but I'm afraid my selfishness is making it harder for him to move on too. And I in all honesty do not want to move on. I want everything I dreamed of to be with him. That's what makes it so hard... I miss him terribly.. in case it wasn't obvious. He asked me to move on quickly but not stupidly. And I'm doing anything I can make myself feel closer to him when I can't have him. It's not healthy but that's all I want is to be with him how I know we could be, and how we should be.
Heartbreaking. It's killing me on the inside. I get ideas to just go to his house and wait for him to get home. Because I want to see him and hear his voice and get a hug from him so so bad. I just can't get myself to make it harder for him than it should be. I know I need to stop and think about why we ended it, and I do. But I can't help but think about him and want to be around him. This is by far the most challenging thing I've ever done, especially since I want to think about what will make me happy when I'm down, and when T-Rex's picking up basketballs or doing push-ups don't work, my mind instantly goes to him and our great amazing times and I can't help but smile followed by the instant pang of sadness.
Crying doesn't even help anymore. It accomplishes nothing except letting the emotions out. The only thing that makes me feel remotely better is I know I've helped him and i can only hope I made his life better for our relationship. And it's continued until now and will continue. He's an amazing man.
and I miss him, I love him.
Always,
Mychal
The worst is when you know something is the best for both people and you can't let go. I care still a lot. I can't say I care too much because I don't feel like I do, care too much, that is. He's still always on my mind and always in my heart. I honestly don't think this will get any easier. I always feel the need to talk to him or text him. I don't feel like this should be over. I feel like we never finished our time. I thought doing what was best for him would come as easy for me to do. He's been the most important thing to me for so long I feel like going a whole day without talking to him is impossible. I find myself thinking of reasons throughout the day to text him. Excuses, really... but I'm afraid my selfishness is making it harder for him to move on too. And I in all honesty do not want to move on. I want everything I dreamed of to be with him. That's what makes it so hard... I miss him terribly.. in case it wasn't obvious. He asked me to move on quickly but not stupidly. And I'm doing anything I can make myself feel closer to him when I can't have him. It's not healthy but that's all I want is to be with him how I know we could be, and how we should be.
Heartbreaking. It's killing me on the inside. I get ideas to just go to his house and wait for him to get home. Because I want to see him and hear his voice and get a hug from him so so bad. I just can't get myself to make it harder for him than it should be. I know I need to stop and think about why we ended it, and I do. But I can't help but think about him and want to be around him. This is by far the most challenging thing I've ever done, especially since I want to think about what will make me happy when I'm down, and when T-Rex's picking up basketballs or doing push-ups don't work, my mind instantly goes to him and our great amazing times and I can't help but smile followed by the instant pang of sadness.
Crying doesn't even help anymore. It accomplishes nothing except letting the emotions out. The only thing that makes me feel remotely better is I know I've helped him and i can only hope I made his life better for our relationship. And it's continued until now and will continue. He's an amazing man.
and I miss him, I love him.
Always,
Mychal
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Hollerhugh...
n. Anyone displaying large amounts of game with all women as if born with a god given talent. Any male who has mind control over women without even trying. A pimp at the highest level.
Just so you know. I couldn't fall asleep tonight without writing about this. My blog has become my diary. I don't care to share, and I hate writing things if they are never read so might as well express myself to the fullest. And quite frankly, this is a story I want to remember, I do not want this to ever fade so writing it down is the best bet. :)
I might as well name this post Marcus Landyn Robertson. If you don't want to read about my side of a love story and my life the past few months go ahead and go back to Facebook or click that little red X in the right corner.
On April 8, 2012 I went against my better judgement and accepted an invitation to my friend/cousin's 21st birthday bonfire. I was excited to see some old faces from high school again and be in little old Gainesboro. Welll, the night started off a little rough, I got lost, I typed in the wrong road on my GPS. So everyone got a kick out of that when I finally arrived. Mychal Goad, never changing, blonde of the group, making ditzy little mistakes that are great for jokes later.... haha Well I hung out with old friends for most the time and did the stupidest thing and jumped in a bathing suit and jumped in a pool that hadn't been cleaned in a couple years and it was APRIL. Freezing. I put my clothes back on in the house and played some pool. Well I figure its time for me to go. I walk outside to tell everyone bye and I see another dear cousin of mine (We're in Jackson County, I'm related to everyone) and stopped and talked to him for a minute. Low and behold he made a new friend, who was being pursued by a girl who he seemed to not be interested in and I didn't necessarily like... So to get rid of her what'd I do? I told him if he wanted he could kiss me when she came around the corner and I guaranteed it would make her leave him alone or she would leave. Well she got around the corner and to the first syllable of his name and he kissed me, she left before we stopped. I'm not gonna lie. It was a greeeeaaat kiss. But it was time to go. I gave him my number and added him on Facebook that night. I wanted to get to know this guy. He seemed sweet and he was cute and not at all super flirty or mackin on me hard. haha. So I initiated contact, told him I wasn't usually like that, I'm sorry if I came on too strong, I wanted to help him out, blah blah blah. Just wanting him to know I was not crazy.. Well we went to a movie, most awkward time of.my.life. The bestie calls and asks how it went, I without hesitation said, we're just gonna be friends, he didn't even act remotely interested. I flirted and he didn't even try anything back!!! Total confusion. Well the next couple days went by and we were texting and I was a giddy little girl. And we hung out again, this time I got to meet an ex-girlfriend of his who was in town. My little mind thought, ok, using me to make her jealous? or wants a distraction so he doesn't have to stay long? Either way I was kinda bummed but I found it hilarious. It's what a friend is for right? Well we went to a small party where he met my best friend Jenna and her boyfriend Christian. He was so scared. But I wanted to see if the movies was really quite possibly the most awkward first date place ever. So went went and had a blast. They liked him and I was starting to feel something for this guy. I had found one that was different, and treated me like a person not like "arm candy". We were practically inseparable. He left for a weekend to spend with his grandparents and when he came back he asked me if we could make it official. The next weekend he went to Destin with some old friends. That was crazy how much I missed someone after such a short time of dating. We were so spoiled the first month of dating after he got back we were together all the time, after I would have classes before and after work, it was amazing. Well after being completely spoiled and talking and really getting to know each other I had this feeling after a few weeks. I couldn't explain it. It was a burning in my chest and thoughts in my head were swarming, and a butterflies on crack feeling in my tummy. I didn't know what I was feeling. At all. I was confused and started to act different around him because I was scared. I was scared I'd fallen too fast and too hard and didn't think that after one month you could fall in love with someone, that's right I said it, LOVE. That big L word. We were watching (well talking through) a movie when he rolled over and looked at me point blank and said what is wrong? It was the day before we'd been together an official month and I looked him in the eye and started tearing up and finally gathered my courage and said it's ok if you don't feel the same but I've never been in love, Landyn, but this is what it's supposed to feel like. I love you. That boy hugged me tight and said it's ok, I love you too. Everything in me exploded. I felt higher than a kite I felt like nothing could go wrong. The girl who had avoided love or anything close at all costs found it, and it wasn't a secret, and this girl was loved back. I can't explain that moment even as I relive it right now. All the joy that comes with finding someone you believe is the right one for you, it is mind blowing.
So he gets a job, in Lebanon, working from 8-5 and having to wake up at 5am and go to bed around 10-11 messed with our staying up til 2 or 3 in the morning usual routine. I was deprived of something I had taken for granted. I wanted it to work, he thought it'd be best if he moved. It broke everything in me when he told me we couldn't work from a distance. He broke up with me, well the next day I went to his house to take stuff back and ended up talking to his mom and sister and playing with his little brother for 6 hours. I knew he would find out, and I knew I'd be in trouble. I was right. He was mad. What did I do? I found out where he was, (Lowe's) I pulled right behind his truck rolled down my windows and blasted "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. Our song, and you know what we had discussions and a few arguments and I would make sure he knew I wasn't giving up. He bent down to the window and I was crying and he kissed me, everything in me knew from that moment, we'd be alright. We had a talk when we got back to his house and really tried to make it so everything would work out. He decided I was worth it to stay. He wanted to stay, for me. He will never know how happy I was because I needed him. Not because Jenna left for Spain but because I felt completed around him like nothing could tear us apart. There was no better feeling in the world than wanting to make it work, and feeling like he did too. We made a trip to Scott County, TN. Oneida is where his Gran lives, Tom Chitwood. Nothing could have made that trip better. We had beautiful pictures made and Seriously, the entire way back I just felt comfortable, and at ease with him around. I was still scared to mess up, who likes being broken up with, but I didn't feel that threat so everything felt right. We would have little scuffles but it happens... I made him a picture book with our newly made pictures and some we'd just taken on his phone. That was something I'd never done, and I wrote him a promise on the back, and I wanted him to know anytime we got in a fight if he read that I felt we could make it through anything. And we overcame quite a bit in a short two month time span. Then we got in our biggest fight and I left. I ran. Something he'd kept me from doing for so long and I left. It was a huge misunderstanding and communication problems. So I wrote the blog titled "The First Cut is The Deepest" talking about being in love the first time. And how it hurts the most when you feel like it's gone. He read it. He cried and he called me and needed me. He wanted to talk and make it all better. He was off work the next week and asked me for a trial run. Where he could treat me better than ever and prove to me he would put forth his 100%. I love him, so of course I say yes. It wasn't fast or easy but I did it. Two days later we were off to Destin for part of the week. I was on edge I admit, and nervous. I did not want him thinking I took him back so we could go on this trip. And he would sped money on me. I've never been that way and I'll never be that way. But that four days was a four days of healing. And I felt he meant what he said that he would change. And he did. We began our gospel meeting when I got back and he and I aren't on the same page religiously, we believe two total separate things. So he was never able to meet the "grandpa" I talked about before. We broke up the Monday night after we got back from Destin. I hid something small from him about seeing Jenna when I was staying at a house of ours next door to my own. He overreacted and told me to leave, so after and exhausting day I bowed my head and said ok. I got in my car and drove home. It was the most heart wrenching thing but all I could think was maybe he'll read that on the book and he'll come back. I didn't want him gone, I didn't feel our story was over. I got some bad news that night, from Jenna that had come from a dramatic source that want't true(didn't know it wasn't true at first) and removed him from my life. From everything. But when I found no peace through myself and prayer, after not talking to him for a week I cleaned out my purse and found a paper with all instructions to the condo that I thought he may have needed. He did. He told me to leave it in the mailbox. Well I love his family, I noticed he wasn't home, and I went to the door and they invited me in, I tried to decline but I knew I wanted to go in, I knew I wanted to see if he'd come, if I could see him again and see if my feelings had changed. Well while I was sitting there talking to his mom he came in, once again, he was angry. This time he left and I had a letter for him to read when he got back. He text me about it and I told him I needed to see him and I felt like we had so much to talk about. To hear his side and set the record straight. So I spent 3 hours reading my bible and praying and reading a book called The Begging Place. It's about prayer and finding your way to your begging place, for God's little girls. I was crying and praying and reading and finally I had to take a nap. So I did. He got there about 9 to talk to me. The conversation was rigid at first. But we overcame it and it began to be how every night in our relationship should've been handled when we would argue. It was amazing to see that side. The side of him I knew was in there just scared to come out for fear of vulnerability. And I waited patiently and finally met him. My Landyn. The man I'd longed for. The man I knew this boy could be. And I let my heart be healed and my walls and guards down because at that moment I realized that he was what I wanted and he wanted me too.
I'd love to end this as Nicholas Sparks does and have a happily ever after. But sadly the end is the part that gets me every time. I told him he could stay over that night, but had to leave early because dad passes it on the way to work in the morning ( I know not the best thing I've ever done) I felt awful when I sat up and saw my daddy's truck at ten til five in that driveway. I've never seen my dad so calmly angry. I knew I was in deep trouble. After that perfect night this would only be a fitting morning. Dad told me he'd talk to me about it later. So I made myself sick with worry all day. Trying to talk to Landyn while he was at work and find a way to fix this. I knew it'd take time to be with him again and for my family to accept it. I was willing to put forth the time and effort. I just hate letting my parents feel as if I'm going against them because I know they wouldn't think this was best. Well when me and my dad were home he backed out on the talking and took the cabin key I had and pretty much made it clear I wouldn't be moving in there. I let Landyn know our entire argument throughout the day was pointless. And we talked on the phone for nearly two hours and made our way of starting over. And at the very end I did bring up something important to me and him, our religious differences. Well the phone call ended with me taking a deep ragged breath and telling him I loved him but I want and he deserves to be with someone who will be able to go to church with him and experience all he feels with him and I told him I didn't believe I could go to church without having someone I spend my life with to not share that with me too. And He told me he loved me and goodbye.
I sent him a text of the words I could not muster enough strength to say on the phone. But the crying didn't start until the reply he sent back, that melted my heart and I knew one day he would be the happiest man on earth and have his happily ever after. Even if it wasn't with me. I knew I wanted that for him because he deserved it. I knew I could never 100% be what he needed for the rest of his life. And he did the same for me, and I firmly believe when I see him around my heart won't ache from the bad, it may ache from missing him, but I will be happy to see him and I will say hi maybe even get a hug. And if I ever see him around with a girl I will want to her to know what she's got. And I will expect him to treat her right, but to her she better be what he needs and treat him right, I know what's he's been through and what he's done to help people. When he finds the girl I hope I get to meet her. I want to be introduced not as his exgirlfriend but as a friend because for two months and 9 days he was my best friend.
This man stole my heart in a month but will own a piece of it for a lifetime. You never forget your first love. And I will never for get him. I wish him the best in everything. What he taught me and what he said to me and what his last two texts said I'll never forget. I'll have them in my heart forever. He means everything to me even though it's better for us both to be apart. I will never forget our time together, our love, and what we meant to each other. Because I believe we had a true real love. A love real enough to know what was best for the other and the fact we couldn't be it broke my heart but it made me realize how much he truly loves me. And I can only hope he knows how much I love and care for him.
Well that's my story. I hope you didn't cry too much...
Love,
ME
I love you.
Just so you know. I couldn't fall asleep tonight without writing about this. My blog has become my diary. I don't care to share, and I hate writing things if they are never read so might as well express myself to the fullest. And quite frankly, this is a story I want to remember, I do not want this to ever fade so writing it down is the best bet. :)
I might as well name this post Marcus Landyn Robertson. If you don't want to read about my side of a love story and my life the past few months go ahead and go back to Facebook or click that little red X in the right corner.
On April 8, 2012 I went against my better judgement and accepted an invitation to my friend/cousin's 21st birthday bonfire. I was excited to see some old faces from high school again and be in little old Gainesboro. Welll, the night started off a little rough, I got lost, I typed in the wrong road on my GPS. So everyone got a kick out of that when I finally arrived. Mychal Goad, never changing, blonde of the group, making ditzy little mistakes that are great for jokes later.... haha Well I hung out with old friends for most the time and did the stupidest thing and jumped in a bathing suit and jumped in a pool that hadn't been cleaned in a couple years and it was APRIL. Freezing. I put my clothes back on in the house and played some pool. Well I figure its time for me to go. I walk outside to tell everyone bye and I see another dear cousin of mine (We're in Jackson County, I'm related to everyone) and stopped and talked to him for a minute. Low and behold he made a new friend, who was being pursued by a girl who he seemed to not be interested in and I didn't necessarily like... So to get rid of her what'd I do? I told him if he wanted he could kiss me when she came around the corner and I guaranteed it would make her leave him alone or she would leave. Well she got around the corner and to the first syllable of his name and he kissed me, she left before we stopped. I'm not gonna lie. It was a greeeeaaat kiss. But it was time to go. I gave him my number and added him on Facebook that night. I wanted to get to know this guy. He seemed sweet and he was cute and not at all super flirty or mackin on me hard. haha. So I initiated contact, told him I wasn't usually like that, I'm sorry if I came on too strong, I wanted to help him out, blah blah blah. Just wanting him to know I was not crazy.. Well we went to a movie, most awkward time of.my.life. The bestie calls and asks how it went, I without hesitation said, we're just gonna be friends, he didn't even act remotely interested. I flirted and he didn't even try anything back!!! Total confusion. Well the next couple days went by and we were texting and I was a giddy little girl. And we hung out again, this time I got to meet an ex-girlfriend of his who was in town. My little mind thought, ok, using me to make her jealous? or wants a distraction so he doesn't have to stay long? Either way I was kinda bummed but I found it hilarious. It's what a friend is for right? Well we went to a small party where he met my best friend Jenna and her boyfriend Christian. He was so scared. But I wanted to see if the movies was really quite possibly the most awkward first date place ever. So went went and had a blast. They liked him and I was starting to feel something for this guy. I had found one that was different, and treated me like a person not like "arm candy". We were practically inseparable. He left for a weekend to spend with his grandparents and when he came back he asked me if we could make it official. The next weekend he went to Destin with some old friends. That was crazy how much I missed someone after such a short time of dating. We were so spoiled the first month of dating after he got back we were together all the time, after I would have classes before and after work, it was amazing. Well after being completely spoiled and talking and really getting to know each other I had this feeling after a few weeks. I couldn't explain it. It was a burning in my chest and thoughts in my head were swarming, and a butterflies on crack feeling in my tummy. I didn't know what I was feeling. At all. I was confused and started to act different around him because I was scared. I was scared I'd fallen too fast and too hard and didn't think that after one month you could fall in love with someone, that's right I said it, LOVE. That big L word. We were watching (well talking through) a movie when he rolled over and looked at me point blank and said what is wrong? It was the day before we'd been together an official month and I looked him in the eye and started tearing up and finally gathered my courage and said it's ok if you don't feel the same but I've never been in love, Landyn, but this is what it's supposed to feel like. I love you. That boy hugged me tight and said it's ok, I love you too. Everything in me exploded. I felt higher than a kite I felt like nothing could go wrong. The girl who had avoided love or anything close at all costs found it, and it wasn't a secret, and this girl was loved back. I can't explain that moment even as I relive it right now. All the joy that comes with finding someone you believe is the right one for you, it is mind blowing.
So he gets a job, in Lebanon, working from 8-5 and having to wake up at 5am and go to bed around 10-11 messed with our staying up til 2 or 3 in the morning usual routine. I was deprived of something I had taken for granted. I wanted it to work, he thought it'd be best if he moved. It broke everything in me when he told me we couldn't work from a distance. He broke up with me, well the next day I went to his house to take stuff back and ended up talking to his mom and sister and playing with his little brother for 6 hours. I knew he would find out, and I knew I'd be in trouble. I was right. He was mad. What did I do? I found out where he was, (Lowe's) I pulled right behind his truck rolled down my windows and blasted "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. Our song, and you know what we had discussions and a few arguments and I would make sure he knew I wasn't giving up. He bent down to the window and I was crying and he kissed me, everything in me knew from that moment, we'd be alright. We had a talk when we got back to his house and really tried to make it so everything would work out. He decided I was worth it to stay. He wanted to stay, for me. He will never know how happy I was because I needed him. Not because Jenna left for Spain but because I felt completed around him like nothing could tear us apart. There was no better feeling in the world than wanting to make it work, and feeling like he did too. We made a trip to Scott County, TN. Oneida is where his Gran lives, Tom Chitwood. Nothing could have made that trip better. We had beautiful pictures made and Seriously, the entire way back I just felt comfortable, and at ease with him around. I was still scared to mess up, who likes being broken up with, but I didn't feel that threat so everything felt right. We would have little scuffles but it happens... I made him a picture book with our newly made pictures and some we'd just taken on his phone. That was something I'd never done, and I wrote him a promise on the back, and I wanted him to know anytime we got in a fight if he read that I felt we could make it through anything. And we overcame quite a bit in a short two month time span. Then we got in our biggest fight and I left. I ran. Something he'd kept me from doing for so long and I left. It was a huge misunderstanding and communication problems. So I wrote the blog titled "The First Cut is The Deepest" talking about being in love the first time. And how it hurts the most when you feel like it's gone. He read it. He cried and he called me and needed me. He wanted to talk and make it all better. He was off work the next week and asked me for a trial run. Where he could treat me better than ever and prove to me he would put forth his 100%. I love him, so of course I say yes. It wasn't fast or easy but I did it. Two days later we were off to Destin for part of the week. I was on edge I admit, and nervous. I did not want him thinking I took him back so we could go on this trip. And he would sped money on me. I've never been that way and I'll never be that way. But that four days was a four days of healing. And I felt he meant what he said that he would change. And he did. We began our gospel meeting when I got back and he and I aren't on the same page religiously, we believe two total separate things. So he was never able to meet the "grandpa" I talked about before. We broke up the Monday night after we got back from Destin. I hid something small from him about seeing Jenna when I was staying at a house of ours next door to my own. He overreacted and told me to leave, so after and exhausting day I bowed my head and said ok. I got in my car and drove home. It was the most heart wrenching thing but all I could think was maybe he'll read that on the book and he'll come back. I didn't want him gone, I didn't feel our story was over. I got some bad news that night, from Jenna that had come from a dramatic source that want't true(didn't know it wasn't true at first) and removed him from my life. From everything. But when I found no peace through myself and prayer, after not talking to him for a week I cleaned out my purse and found a paper with all instructions to the condo that I thought he may have needed. He did. He told me to leave it in the mailbox. Well I love his family, I noticed he wasn't home, and I went to the door and they invited me in, I tried to decline but I knew I wanted to go in, I knew I wanted to see if he'd come, if I could see him again and see if my feelings had changed. Well while I was sitting there talking to his mom he came in, once again, he was angry. This time he left and I had a letter for him to read when he got back. He text me about it and I told him I needed to see him and I felt like we had so much to talk about. To hear his side and set the record straight. So I spent 3 hours reading my bible and praying and reading a book called The Begging Place. It's about prayer and finding your way to your begging place, for God's little girls. I was crying and praying and reading and finally I had to take a nap. So I did. He got there about 9 to talk to me. The conversation was rigid at first. But we overcame it and it began to be how every night in our relationship should've been handled when we would argue. It was amazing to see that side. The side of him I knew was in there just scared to come out for fear of vulnerability. And I waited patiently and finally met him. My Landyn. The man I'd longed for. The man I knew this boy could be. And I let my heart be healed and my walls and guards down because at that moment I realized that he was what I wanted and he wanted me too.
I'd love to end this as Nicholas Sparks does and have a happily ever after. But sadly the end is the part that gets me every time. I told him he could stay over that night, but had to leave early because dad passes it on the way to work in the morning ( I know not the best thing I've ever done) I felt awful when I sat up and saw my daddy's truck at ten til five in that driveway. I've never seen my dad so calmly angry. I knew I was in deep trouble. After that perfect night this would only be a fitting morning. Dad told me he'd talk to me about it later. So I made myself sick with worry all day. Trying to talk to Landyn while he was at work and find a way to fix this. I knew it'd take time to be with him again and for my family to accept it. I was willing to put forth the time and effort. I just hate letting my parents feel as if I'm going against them because I know they wouldn't think this was best. Well when me and my dad were home he backed out on the talking and took the cabin key I had and pretty much made it clear I wouldn't be moving in there. I let Landyn know our entire argument throughout the day was pointless. And we talked on the phone for nearly two hours and made our way of starting over. And at the very end I did bring up something important to me and him, our religious differences. Well the phone call ended with me taking a deep ragged breath and telling him I loved him but I want and he deserves to be with someone who will be able to go to church with him and experience all he feels with him and I told him I didn't believe I could go to church without having someone I spend my life with to not share that with me too. And He told me he loved me and goodbye.
I sent him a text of the words I could not muster enough strength to say on the phone. But the crying didn't start until the reply he sent back, that melted my heart and I knew one day he would be the happiest man on earth and have his happily ever after. Even if it wasn't with me. I knew I wanted that for him because he deserved it. I knew I could never 100% be what he needed for the rest of his life. And he did the same for me, and I firmly believe when I see him around my heart won't ache from the bad, it may ache from missing him, but I will be happy to see him and I will say hi maybe even get a hug. And if I ever see him around with a girl I will want to her to know what she's got. And I will expect him to treat her right, but to her she better be what he needs and treat him right, I know what's he's been through and what he's done to help people. When he finds the girl I hope I get to meet her. I want to be introduced not as his exgirlfriend but as a friend because for two months and 9 days he was my best friend.
This man stole my heart in a month but will own a piece of it for a lifetime. You never forget your first love. And I will never for get him. I wish him the best in everything. What he taught me and what he said to me and what his last two texts said I'll never forget. I'll have them in my heart forever. He means everything to me even though it's better for us both to be apart. I will never forget our time together, our love, and what we meant to each other. Because I believe we had a true real love. A love real enough to know what was best for the other and the fact we couldn't be it broke my heart but it made me realize how much he truly loves me. And I can only hope he knows how much I love and care for him.
Well that's my story. I hope you didn't cry too much...
Love,
ME
I love you.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Did You Remember to Pray Today? ...
God didn't forget to wake you up this morning.
As I lie in bed this Sunday morning, bummed I feel like I've been hit by a bus and was not able to make it to services, I walk across the room and pick up one of the three bibles in my room, the one that makes me smile the most. The camouflage covered bible, and I turn to a newly rediscovered favorite passage of mine. Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourself. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests , but also for the interests of others. Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:3-5. I've been reading and rereading this, trying to figure out why I can put people before me in my life but I never really feel completely happy. Then it hit me this morning, verse 5 Everyone should look out not only for his own interests , but also for the interests of others. I realize now I would put myself on hold. I would look out for others and only others but leave myself and my interests out. That's not at all how it should be. Even God wants you to look out for yourself and others not just others. I guess this goes back to my being more about me, post. Which I am working on but it's hard to change old habits.
As I lie in bed this Sunday morning, bummed I feel like I've been hit by a bus and was not able to make it to services, I walk across the room and pick up one of the three bibles in my room, the one that makes me smile the most. The camouflage covered bible, and I turn to a newly rediscovered favorite passage of mine. Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourself. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests , but also for the interests of others. Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:3-5. I've been reading and rereading this, trying to figure out why I can put people before me in my life but I never really feel completely happy. Then it hit me this morning, verse 5 Everyone should look out not only for his own interests , but also for the interests of others. I realize now I would put myself on hold. I would look out for others and only others but leave myself and my interests out. That's not at all how it should be. Even God wants you to look out for yourself and others not just others. I guess this goes back to my being more about me, post. Which I am working on but it's hard to change old habits.
After that realization I turned to a marked spot a few pages over and found a scripture I had forgotten was in the bible, Since you have put away lying, Speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another. Be angry but do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger and don't give the Devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:25-27
and another, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit God's kingdom? Do not be deceived; no sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers, prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, or swindlers will inherit God's kingdom. Some of you were like this; but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the LORD Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
That's what I'll leave you with today. Church is a blessing but when you can't make it studying the bible yourself helps you find things that are the most applicable to your life.
Love,
ME
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Two Different Therapies
Godly Therapy:
This week we are having a gospel meeting at church. I promise you this couldn't have come at a better time :) The preacher is Ken Leach. He's the closest thing I have to a grandpa and one of my dearest friends. HE's one of those people who can genuinely listen ( when he can hear you, he's getting kind of old, haha) he can make you cry with his thoughts about you and the truth in the word he preaches and he can make you laugh because he is always telling an old or new corny joke. He is a role model of mine and he has so many great qualities it's hard not to love and respect him. He will be 74 this year and two years ago, when I was as single as ever I saw him in Huntsville AL and asked him to do me the biggest favor when I get married I wanted him to officiate, this brought tears to his eyes and more to mine. He is one of the greatest blessings in my life. And I almost lost him last year. He had a tumor in his intestines and it ate through the wall and his body became septic, it was poisoning him from the inside. Only 8 out of 10 people survive when this happens. And he did. We went to breakfast Monday and he told me that story and told me the moment that came to his mind was when I asked him to perform my marriage. He thought of ME as he was dying. ME! Of all the people that man knows ( he was a referee in professional basketball and is personal friends with team owners, coaches, and some players) he thought of me. He told me how beautiful I was inside and out, he talked to me like talking to his granddaughter about how much he loves me and cares about me and how when it's time to travel from Sun City, AZ to Cookeville, TN he thinks of how he'll get to see me. He even told me how much I inspire him and he looks up to my deep thoughts and how I help him and am one of the best friends he's ever had. Well, God knew exactly what I've been through lately and knew exactly what I needed. Boy, did he give it to me. My spirit is renewed and uplifted and I know the kind of woman I want and need to be and work on becoming. He sent a very special blessing into my life to fill a space that had been voided from my life. I may not get to see him very often and we may not be blood related but it's so much thicker than that, we're connected by Christ. My Father knew exactly what I needed and He provided. I can't imagine how much my heart will ache when he leaves on Saturday but I know I will miss him dearly and I will see him again one day. He is my grandpa. He is a big model of characteristics I want to find in a man one day. His love keeps me going and I know no matter what he is always there for me. We had another great lesson tonight about Jesus, just learning more about our Savior always makes for a great week. It was about Jesus, the Servant, when he washed the disciples feet. It really makes me think about how I treat others and others in my church family. I want to be able to treat everyone the way Jesus treated them. Holding people in higher esteem than myself...and being HAPPY about it!! At the close of every lesson he leads us in number 47, God Is So Good. It makes me sing out and brings tears to my eyes everytime as I think about all I am thankful for and how God has richly blessed me, with a great family, friends and just people who care about me and love me.
"He Saved My Soul, and He Made Me Whole, I praise His Name, I Praise His Name, He's So Good To Me!"
Retail Therapy:
I went shopping today.. :) everyone is having bookoos of sales and everyone needs to check them out. I spent around $100 and got a trench jacket, two dresses, a new backpack for school, some bath and body works goodness, a cardigan and three shirts. It was the best rainy day I've had in a while. I got to spend it with my bestie Jenna and it was much needed.
As Always, Love,
ME
This week we are having a gospel meeting at church. I promise you this couldn't have come at a better time :) The preacher is Ken Leach. He's the closest thing I have to a grandpa and one of my dearest friends. HE's one of those people who can genuinely listen ( when he can hear you, he's getting kind of old, haha) he can make you cry with his thoughts about you and the truth in the word he preaches and he can make you laugh because he is always telling an old or new corny joke. He is a role model of mine and he has so many great qualities it's hard not to love and respect him. He will be 74 this year and two years ago, when I was as single as ever I saw him in Huntsville AL and asked him to do me the biggest favor when I get married I wanted him to officiate, this brought tears to his eyes and more to mine. He is one of the greatest blessings in my life. And I almost lost him last year. He had a tumor in his intestines and it ate through the wall and his body became septic, it was poisoning him from the inside. Only 8 out of 10 people survive when this happens. And he did. We went to breakfast Monday and he told me that story and told me the moment that came to his mind was when I asked him to perform my marriage. He thought of ME as he was dying. ME! Of all the people that man knows ( he was a referee in professional basketball and is personal friends with team owners, coaches, and some players) he thought of me. He told me how beautiful I was inside and out, he talked to me like talking to his granddaughter about how much he loves me and cares about me and how when it's time to travel from Sun City, AZ to Cookeville, TN he thinks of how he'll get to see me. He even told me how much I inspire him and he looks up to my deep thoughts and how I help him and am one of the best friends he's ever had. Well, God knew exactly what I've been through lately and knew exactly what I needed. Boy, did he give it to me. My spirit is renewed and uplifted and I know the kind of woman I want and need to be and work on becoming. He sent a very special blessing into my life to fill a space that had been voided from my life. I may not get to see him very often and we may not be blood related but it's so much thicker than that, we're connected by Christ. My Father knew exactly what I needed and He provided. I can't imagine how much my heart will ache when he leaves on Saturday but I know I will miss him dearly and I will see him again one day. He is my grandpa. He is a big model of characteristics I want to find in a man one day. His love keeps me going and I know no matter what he is always there for me. We had another great lesson tonight about Jesus, just learning more about our Savior always makes for a great week. It was about Jesus, the Servant, when he washed the disciples feet. It really makes me think about how I treat others and others in my church family. I want to be able to treat everyone the way Jesus treated them. Holding people in higher esteem than myself...and being HAPPY about it!! At the close of every lesson he leads us in number 47, God Is So Good. It makes me sing out and brings tears to my eyes everytime as I think about all I am thankful for and how God has richly blessed me, with a great family, friends and just people who care about me and love me.
"He Saved My Soul, and He Made Me Whole, I praise His Name, I Praise His Name, He's So Good To Me!"
Retail Therapy:
I went shopping today.. :) everyone is having bookoos of sales and everyone needs to check them out. I spent around $100 and got a trench jacket, two dresses, a new backpack for school, some bath and body works goodness, a cardigan and three shirts. It was the best rainy day I've had in a while. I got to spend it with my bestie Jenna and it was much needed.
As Always, Love,
ME
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
But when you're standing at a crossroad, There's a choice you gotta make.
I will be happy. I can't say I won't miss him, I can't promise I'll never cry for him again. I can say that I will be me, I will have friends to trust and fall back on. I will pray everyday for him and for me and that we can both live our lives to best potential possible. And I know I will be OK.
Falling in love was the hardest and easiest thing I ever let myself do. Now I have to learn to reverse back out of the mess it became. I myself don't know how you fall in love in a month but it happened. Never once did I doubt my feelings for him. But I can only handle so much before I shut down to any feeling at all. I hit that and I hit it hard. I want to sincerely thank him for making a strong effort to make everything better and to treat me how he should have from the beginning, but I believe it came too little too late. A part of me feels awful that I couldn't do more but after hearing some eye opening things that happened recently and throughout the relationship I could never and will never go back. I will always hold him in my heart as my first love. And I will think of him everyday when I hear certain songs or when I see little things or I'll just think of him because I did 24/7 for so long. All that will fade in time and I know this. But I also know God has bigger plans for me and I need to trust in Him. Giving up is not the way to go but giving time is. Truly working on myself right now is priority and that's my plan. You can't go looking for it you have to let it find you. I've had time for lots of deep thinking lately and lots of deep writing (obviously). And conclusions I've come to are big ones, and I'm going to be a different person. For the good and better of course, but when things happen you can't let them get you down. Keeping my head up and standing tall and moving on with my life is the best thing I can do. Waking up every morning and knowing I have a whole day of my life ahead will keep me optimistic and happy. I know I will be just fine, it just takes some time to heal.
Love,
ME
I guess it's gonna have to hurt, I guess I'm gonna have to cry, And let go of some things I've loved, To get to the other side, I guess it's gonna break me down, Like falling when you try to fly, It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, Starts with goodbye. --Carrie Underwood "Starts with Goodbye"
Falling in love was the hardest and easiest thing I ever let myself do. Now I have to learn to reverse back out of the mess it became. I myself don't know how you fall in love in a month but it happened. Never once did I doubt my feelings for him. But I can only handle so much before I shut down to any feeling at all. I hit that and I hit it hard. I want to sincerely thank him for making a strong effort to make everything better and to treat me how he should have from the beginning, but I believe it came too little too late. A part of me feels awful that I couldn't do more but after hearing some eye opening things that happened recently and throughout the relationship I could never and will never go back. I will always hold him in my heart as my first love. And I will think of him everyday when I hear certain songs or when I see little things or I'll just think of him because I did 24/7 for so long. All that will fade in time and I know this. But I also know God has bigger plans for me and I need to trust in Him. Giving up is not the way to go but giving time is. Truly working on myself right now is priority and that's my plan. You can't go looking for it you have to let it find you. I've had time for lots of deep thinking lately and lots of deep writing (obviously). And conclusions I've come to are big ones, and I'm going to be a different person. For the good and better of course, but when things happen you can't let them get you down. Keeping my head up and standing tall and moving on with my life is the best thing I can do. Waking up every morning and knowing I have a whole day of my life ahead will keep me optimistic and happy. I know I will be just fine, it just takes some time to heal.
Love,
ME
I guess it's gonna have to hurt, I guess I'm gonna have to cry, And let go of some things I've loved, To get to the other side, I guess it's gonna break me down, Like falling when you try to fly, It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, Starts with goodbye. --Carrie Underwood "Starts with Goodbye"
Sunday, July 8, 2012
The Sweetest Thing You'll Ever See...
...in the whole wide world is a happy girl. - Martina McBride
And I'm glad I've made it. Sometimes it takes a little going down before you can go back up. Honey, let me tell ya I've been up and down and everywhere in between recently. And I wouldn't change a thing. It's made me go a little further in my life and be a much happier person. In everything in general I'm just happy. I know things are never going to be perfect, but I love it that way.
I feel much better about myself and life decisions lately. Praying has been getting me through so much. Even if I just say thank you. Sometimes it's all I need.
I just got back from Destin with Landyn. (My ex boyfriend) It was honestly the best time ever and I can tell he's serious about keeping me now. We're in a small trial run period. Not "dating" but were just with one another. It's kind of a start over. My walls aren't torn completely down but he's taken down more than he knows. Going from paradise beaches back to reality is where the real test is though. I know we can make it through it and I know he'll keep his promise to me and I will to him.
This is a happy but tired post. running on four hours of sleep and getting up good and early to go to breakfast with a hero of mine, the closest a man has ever been to being my Grandpa, his name is Ken Leach and he's a preacher from Sun City, AZ. He's in Cookeville for a gospel meeting and staying at my house, in my room actually. It's been two years since I've seen him, I'm so glad he's here! Anyway, time for bed. Cracker Barrel is hollerin' my name!! :)
Love,
ME
And I'm glad I've made it. Sometimes it takes a little going down before you can go back up. Honey, let me tell ya I've been up and down and everywhere in between recently. And I wouldn't change a thing. It's made me go a little further in my life and be a much happier person. In everything in general I'm just happy. I know things are never going to be perfect, but I love it that way.
I feel much better about myself and life decisions lately. Praying has been getting me through so much. Even if I just say thank you. Sometimes it's all I need.
I just got back from Destin with Landyn. (My ex boyfriend) It was honestly the best time ever and I can tell he's serious about keeping me now. We're in a small trial run period. Not "dating" but were just with one another. It's kind of a start over. My walls aren't torn completely down but he's taken down more than he knows. Going from paradise beaches back to reality is where the real test is though. I know we can make it through it and I know he'll keep his promise to me and I will to him.
This is a happy but tired post. running on four hours of sleep and getting up good and early to go to breakfast with a hero of mine, the closest a man has ever been to being my Grandpa, his name is Ken Leach and he's a preacher from Sun City, AZ. He's in Cookeville for a gospel meeting and staying at my house, in my room actually. It's been two years since I've seen him, I'm so glad he's here! Anyway, time for bed. Cracker Barrel is hollerin' my name!! :)
Love,
ME
Monday, July 2, 2012
First Cut Is The Deepest
Thanks for the warning Sheryl.
The long drawn out rant of a girl left behind and finally bowing out of this "love" business.
I'm by no means a crier. I'm a puncher, thrower, screamer, and a yeller. Most of all I'm a runner. I don't know why I run, I guess it's the easiest. When you run you can run toward something or away from something, set a goal and reach it or just run to run. I run away from feelings, I always found myself "invincible" to the feelings a normal girl should this whole "puppy love" in high school was never my thing. My first boyfriend didn't come til college and even then he only lasted a week, so did the next and some even shorter. My longest record is just under 3 months. I'm afraid of commitment. (There I said it, it's out) Things like that terrify me. The thought of love and heartbreak, of marriage that could lead to divorce the wrong choices. The fights and ache. I just never ever honestly wanted to feel it.
From the time I was 9 years old I was losing important people around me. I girl I looked up to died in a car accident, my favorite uncle committed suicide, in the same week. Sure I had a great childhood with friends, activities, both my parents and a lot of family. But something's always been missing in my life. I'm yet to find what it is, but I know what was added. A fear. Abandonment, most likely. I've had people leaving, dying or going away from me what feels like my entire conscious life. I never learned to deal with it so I became afraid of it. Afraid of someone important to me and my life going away, passing away, just breaks my heart. I something I never learned to cope with and now, tonight, I really really realize this as I begin my new chapter in life. A successful one. An adult one.
This month is the last one I have as 20 years old. And as I turn 21 I plan to make lots of changes. I've already made a few. I quit biting my nails after 20 years. I found a relationship and put everything I knew how to put in it and gave it my 100% and I find myself tonight feeling low, inadequate, and plain unlovable. When I began thinking about relationships I decided that's how I would go after them with my whole heart. Sometimes I'm not sure how to always show it and sometimes I screw up and cause things to go completely wrong, but who doesn't? No one's perfect and I'm not going to sit here and claim to be. But the one thing I know is when I do anything I do it with all of my everything in me. Eccl. 9:10 - Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. For there is no wisdom, knowledge or teaching in death where you are going. Yeah, that is how I do things. So when I get hurt, it hurts everything, my heart, soul and body.
I was a closet romantic. Believing in romance was only found in my Nicholas Sparks books. I am a realist. Things like The Notebook just plain and simple don't happen to run of the mill ordinary girls like me. So being a closet romantic is out for me. I'm done. Love comes and it goes and when it goes it hurts, and nothing can fill the space of the addiction. I found this out the hard way. When I say I'm a realist, I just know what to expect and what not to get excited about. Well I don't know how and I fought the feeling as long as I could, but after spending almost everyday with a guy I had known for a month and a half (half the month we weren't dating) I fell in love. It was one of those "can't eat, can't sleep, over the fence world series kind of thing". Truly I never knew it could ever happen to me. I see it everyday around me. With two of my best friends getting married and countless that already have been and a bestie who's had a boyfriend 3 years I know that love exists. Feeling it however had never happened to me before. Let me tell you, I was scared beyond belief. And he knew something was up. I told him and what do you know, that boy loved me back! He did more for me than he'll ever know. We fought. Oh, we fought. But he didn't let me run, he didn't freak out too bad when I cried. He wanted to hold me when I did. And he was who I wanted there, even if it was him who made me cry. And always when we'd fight I could only think of a cheesy line from, none other than, The Notebook, "They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday... But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other." That kept me going honestly, it could happen even if we fought like complete opposites, that we were, I knew I loved him and he loved me. Don't get me wrong, I love Nicholas Sparks, I love The Notebook, both the book and the movie. But I believe finding love out me in a fairytale land and I had to hold on to this love like I could never find another. I did. I believe it drove him and I apart. This all leads me to say, I believe in love. I know what it feels like but now and as of Saturday I know what it feels like to be broken. To be picked up with a few scratches and dents and to be slammed down like glass on concrete. For a long time there will not be a minute that goes by that I won't think of him. All our potential everything we could have been. And I will smile and I will miss him with all of my broken worn out fragile heart. Even though he's the cause for the breaking I feel as if he can be the only balm.
I have a thing, it makes me uncomfortable. Touch. People who I don't know touching me, drives me insane. My brother and my best friend are seriously the only people I can stand to hug me hen this feeling goes on hiatus. Oh, and him. His hug sends calms through my body and my nerves are suddenly at ease. I hate this truth.
I'm learning to get better. I need a change for no one but myself. I've been an emotional doormat for everyone around me. I've been run over stepped on and kicked out of the way for people my whole life. I put others first. That's not a bad thing right? Right and Wrong. You have to know where to put yourself, God is first and family is second but you need to be somewhere in between. For the first time in my life I'm going to think of me. What makes ME happy. What makes ME uncomfortable. What make ME, well me. The journey of myself begins today. With all feeling gone I begin to live for me. (and God) Attaching myself to things has been my biggest difficulty, and today I proclaim myself as a wall and a guarded heart. Yes, I'm afraid of being hurt, but what's life without risks? I have to do things for me. If its not making me happy, I won't do it. If it's not making me a better me, I'm done with it. That's the new me. The new me is going to get out there, have friends, and make some great memories. I'm going to do this independently. I don't need someone or something to make me happy. I am happy. It's not a destination it's a way of life. When you stop searching for it it comes to you softly like a butterfly landing on your shoulder. And everyday will have a good heck, even great quality about it. And that is my promise. Not to you. But to me. Because I matter. I need to stop looking for someone to tell me I matter, I need to matter to myself. And that's exactly what I plan to do.
It all makes sense what I need to do. So here is me. Doing it.
Love
ME
"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone."
The long drawn out rant of a girl left behind and finally bowing out of this "love" business.
I'm by no means a crier. I'm a puncher, thrower, screamer, and a yeller. Most of all I'm a runner. I don't know why I run, I guess it's the easiest. When you run you can run toward something or away from something, set a goal and reach it or just run to run. I run away from feelings, I always found myself "invincible" to the feelings a normal girl should this whole "puppy love" in high school was never my thing. My first boyfriend didn't come til college and even then he only lasted a week, so did the next and some even shorter. My longest record is just under 3 months. I'm afraid of commitment. (There I said it, it's out) Things like that terrify me. The thought of love and heartbreak, of marriage that could lead to divorce the wrong choices. The fights and ache. I just never ever honestly wanted to feel it.
From the time I was 9 years old I was losing important people around me. I girl I looked up to died in a car accident, my favorite uncle committed suicide, in the same week. Sure I had a great childhood with friends, activities, both my parents and a lot of family. But something's always been missing in my life. I'm yet to find what it is, but I know what was added. A fear. Abandonment, most likely. I've had people leaving, dying or going away from me what feels like my entire conscious life. I never learned to deal with it so I became afraid of it. Afraid of someone important to me and my life going away, passing away, just breaks my heart. I something I never learned to cope with and now, tonight, I really really realize this as I begin my new chapter in life. A successful one. An adult one.
This month is the last one I have as 20 years old. And as I turn 21 I plan to make lots of changes. I've already made a few. I quit biting my nails after 20 years. I found a relationship and put everything I knew how to put in it and gave it my 100% and I find myself tonight feeling low, inadequate, and plain unlovable. When I began thinking about relationships I decided that's how I would go after them with my whole heart. Sometimes I'm not sure how to always show it and sometimes I screw up and cause things to go completely wrong, but who doesn't? No one's perfect and I'm not going to sit here and claim to be. But the one thing I know is when I do anything I do it with all of my everything in me. Eccl. 9:10 - Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. For there is no wisdom, knowledge or teaching in death where you are going. Yeah, that is how I do things. So when I get hurt, it hurts everything, my heart, soul and body.
I was a closet romantic. Believing in romance was only found in my Nicholas Sparks books. I am a realist. Things like The Notebook just plain and simple don't happen to run of the mill ordinary girls like me. So being a closet romantic is out for me. I'm done. Love comes and it goes and when it goes it hurts, and nothing can fill the space of the addiction. I found this out the hard way. When I say I'm a realist, I just know what to expect and what not to get excited about. Well I don't know how and I fought the feeling as long as I could, but after spending almost everyday with a guy I had known for a month and a half (half the month we weren't dating) I fell in love. It was one of those "can't eat, can't sleep, over the fence world series kind of thing". Truly I never knew it could ever happen to me. I see it everyday around me. With two of my best friends getting married and countless that already have been and a bestie who's had a boyfriend 3 years I know that love exists. Feeling it however had never happened to me before. Let me tell you, I was scared beyond belief. And he knew something was up. I told him and what do you know, that boy loved me back! He did more for me than he'll ever know. We fought. Oh, we fought. But he didn't let me run, he didn't freak out too bad when I cried. He wanted to hold me when I did. And he was who I wanted there, even if it was him who made me cry. And always when we'd fight I could only think of a cheesy line from, none other than, The Notebook, "They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday... But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other." That kept me going honestly, it could happen even if we fought like complete opposites, that we were, I knew I loved him and he loved me. Don't get me wrong, I love Nicholas Sparks, I love The Notebook, both the book and the movie. But I believe finding love out me in a fairytale land and I had to hold on to this love like I could never find another. I did. I believe it drove him and I apart. This all leads me to say, I believe in love. I know what it feels like but now and as of Saturday I know what it feels like to be broken. To be picked up with a few scratches and dents and to be slammed down like glass on concrete. For a long time there will not be a minute that goes by that I won't think of him. All our potential everything we could have been. And I will smile and I will miss him with all of my broken worn out fragile heart. Even though he's the cause for the breaking I feel as if he can be the only balm.
I have a thing, it makes me uncomfortable. Touch. People who I don't know touching me, drives me insane. My brother and my best friend are seriously the only people I can stand to hug me hen this feeling goes on hiatus. Oh, and him. His hug sends calms through my body and my nerves are suddenly at ease. I hate this truth.
I'm learning to get better. I need a change for no one but myself. I've been an emotional doormat for everyone around me. I've been run over stepped on and kicked out of the way for people my whole life. I put others first. That's not a bad thing right? Right and Wrong. You have to know where to put yourself, God is first and family is second but you need to be somewhere in between. For the first time in my life I'm going to think of me. What makes ME happy. What makes ME uncomfortable. What make ME, well me. The journey of myself begins today. With all feeling gone I begin to live for me. (and God) Attaching myself to things has been my biggest difficulty, and today I proclaim myself as a wall and a guarded heart. Yes, I'm afraid of being hurt, but what's life without risks? I have to do things for me. If its not making me happy, I won't do it. If it's not making me a better me, I'm done with it. That's the new me. The new me is going to get out there, have friends, and make some great memories. I'm going to do this independently. I don't need someone or something to make me happy. I am happy. It's not a destination it's a way of life. When you stop searching for it it comes to you softly like a butterfly landing on your shoulder. And everyday will have a good heck, even great quality about it. And that is my promise. Not to you. But to me. Because I matter. I need to stop looking for someone to tell me I matter, I need to matter to myself. And that's exactly what I plan to do.
It all makes sense what I need to do. So here is me. Doing it.
Love
ME
"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone."
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