n. Anyone displaying large amounts of game with all women as if born with a god given talent. Any male who has mind control over women without even trying. A pimp at the highest level.
Just so you know. I couldn't fall asleep tonight without writing about this. My blog has become my diary. I don't care to share, and I hate writing things if they are never read so might as well express myself to the fullest. And quite frankly, this is a story I want to remember, I do not want this to ever fade so writing it down is the best bet. :)
I might as well name this post Marcus Landyn Robertson. If you don't want to read about my side of a love story and my life the past few months go ahead and go back to Facebook or click that little red X in the right corner.
On April 8, 2012 I went against my better judgement and accepted an invitation to my friend/cousin's 21st birthday bonfire. I was excited to see some old faces from high school again and be in little old Gainesboro. Welll, the night started off a little rough, I got lost, I typed in the wrong road on my GPS. So everyone got a kick out of that when I finally arrived. Mychal Goad, never changing, blonde of the group, making ditzy little mistakes that are great for jokes later.... haha Well I hung out with old friends for most the time and did the stupidest thing and jumped in a bathing suit and jumped in a pool that hadn't been cleaned in a couple years and it was APRIL. Freezing. I put my clothes back on in the house and played some pool. Well I figure its time for me to go. I walk outside to tell everyone bye and I see another dear cousin of mine (We're in Jackson County, I'm related to everyone) and stopped and talked to him for a minute. Low and behold he made a new friend, who was being pursued by a girl who he seemed to not be interested in and I didn't necessarily like... So to get rid of her what'd I do? I told him if he wanted he could kiss me when she came around the corner and I guaranteed it would make her leave him alone or she would leave. Well she got around the corner and to the first syllable of his name and he kissed me, she left before we stopped. I'm not gonna lie. It was a greeeeaaat kiss. But it was time to go. I gave him my number and added him on Facebook that night. I wanted to get to know this guy. He seemed sweet and he was cute and not at all super flirty or mackin on me hard. haha. So I initiated contact, told him I wasn't usually like that, I'm sorry if I came on too strong, I wanted to help him out, blah blah blah. Just wanting him to know I was not crazy.. Well we went to a movie, most awkward time of.my.life. The bestie calls and asks how it went, I without hesitation said, we're just gonna be friends, he didn't even act remotely interested. I flirted and he didn't even try anything back!!! Total confusion. Well the next couple days went by and we were texting and I was a giddy little girl. And we hung out again, this time I got to meet an ex-girlfriend of his who was in town. My little mind thought, ok, using me to make her jealous? or wants a distraction so he doesn't have to stay long? Either way I was kinda bummed but I found it hilarious. It's what a friend is for right? Well we went to a small party where he met my best friend Jenna and her boyfriend Christian. He was so scared. But I wanted to see if the movies was really quite possibly the most awkward first date place ever. So went went and had a blast. They liked him and I was starting to feel something for this guy. I had found one that was different, and treated me like a person not like "arm candy". We were practically inseparable. He left for a weekend to spend with his grandparents and when he came back he asked me if we could make it official. The next weekend he went to Destin with some old friends. That was crazy how much I missed someone after such a short time of dating. We were so spoiled the first month of dating after he got back we were together all the time, after I would have classes before and after work, it was amazing. Well after being completely spoiled and talking and really getting to know each other I had this feeling after a few weeks. I couldn't explain it. It was a burning in my chest and thoughts in my head were swarming, and a butterflies on crack feeling in my tummy. I didn't know what I was feeling. At all. I was confused and started to act different around him because I was scared. I was scared I'd fallen too fast and too hard and didn't think that after one month you could fall in love with someone, that's right I said it, LOVE. That big L word. We were watching (well talking through) a movie when he rolled over and looked at me point blank and said what is wrong? It was the day before we'd been together an official month and I looked him in the eye and started tearing up and finally gathered my courage and said it's ok if you don't feel the same but I've never been in love, Landyn, but this is what it's supposed to feel like. I love you. That boy hugged me tight and said it's ok, I love you too. Everything in me exploded. I felt higher than a kite I felt like nothing could go wrong. The girl who had avoided love or anything close at all costs found it, and it wasn't a secret, and this girl was loved back. I can't explain that moment even as I relive it right now. All the joy that comes with finding someone you believe is the right one for you, it is mind blowing.
So he gets a job, in Lebanon, working from 8-5 and having to wake up at 5am and go to bed around 10-11 messed with our staying up til 2 or 3 in the morning usual routine. I was deprived of something I had taken for granted. I wanted it to work, he thought it'd be best if he moved. It broke everything in me when he told me we couldn't work from a distance. He broke up with me, well the next day I went to his house to take stuff back and ended up talking to his mom and sister and playing with his little brother for 6 hours. I knew he would find out, and I knew I'd be in trouble. I was right. He was mad. What did I do? I found out where he was, (Lowe's) I pulled right behind his truck rolled down my windows and blasted "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. Our song, and you know what we had discussions and a few arguments and I would make sure he knew I wasn't giving up. He bent down to the window and I was crying and he kissed me, everything in me knew from that moment, we'd be alright. We had a talk when we got back to his house and really tried to make it so everything would work out. He decided I was worth it to stay. He wanted to stay, for me. He will never know how happy I was because I needed him. Not because Jenna left for Spain but because I felt completed around him like nothing could tear us apart. There was no better feeling in the world than wanting to make it work, and feeling like he did too. We made a trip to Scott County, TN. Oneida is where his Gran lives, Tom Chitwood. Nothing could have made that trip better. We had beautiful pictures made and Seriously, the entire way back I just felt comfortable, and at ease with him around. I was still scared to mess up, who likes being broken up with, but I didn't feel that threat so everything felt right. We would have little scuffles but it happens... I made him a picture book with our newly made pictures and some we'd just taken on his phone. That was something I'd never done, and I wrote him a promise on the back, and I wanted him to know anytime we got in a fight if he read that I felt we could make it through anything. And we overcame quite a bit in a short two month time span. Then we got in our biggest fight and I left. I ran. Something he'd kept me from doing for so long and I left. It was a huge misunderstanding and communication problems. So I wrote the blog titled "The First Cut is The Deepest" talking about being in love the first time. And how it hurts the most when you feel like it's gone. He read it. He cried and he called me and needed me. He wanted to talk and make it all better. He was off work the next week and asked me for a trial run. Where he could treat me better than ever and prove to me he would put forth his 100%. I love him, so of course I say yes. It wasn't fast or easy but I did it. Two days later we were off to Destin for part of the week. I was on edge I admit, and nervous. I did not want him thinking I took him back so we could go on this trip. And he would sped money on me. I've never been that way and I'll never be that way. But that four days was a four days of healing. And I felt he meant what he said that he would change. And he did. We began our gospel meeting when I got back and he and I aren't on the same page religiously, we believe two total separate things. So he was never able to meet the "grandpa" I talked about before. We broke up the Monday night after we got back from Destin. I hid something small from him about seeing Jenna when I was staying at a house of ours next door to my own. He overreacted and told me to leave, so after and exhausting day I bowed my head and said ok. I got in my car and drove home. It was the most heart wrenching thing but all I could think was maybe he'll read that on the book and he'll come back. I didn't want him gone, I didn't feel our story was over. I got some bad news that night, from Jenna that had come from a dramatic source that want't true(didn't know it wasn't true at first) and removed him from my life. From everything. But when I found no peace through myself and prayer, after not talking to him for a week I cleaned out my purse and found a paper with all instructions to the condo that I thought he may have needed. He did. He told me to leave it in the mailbox. Well I love his family, I noticed he wasn't home, and I went to the door and they invited me in, I tried to decline but I knew I wanted to go in, I knew I wanted to see if he'd come, if I could see him again and see if my feelings had changed. Well while I was sitting there talking to his mom he came in, once again, he was angry. This time he left and I had a letter for him to read when he got back. He text me about it and I told him I needed to see him and I felt like we had so much to talk about. To hear his side and set the record straight. So I spent 3 hours reading my bible and praying and reading a book called The Begging Place. It's about prayer and finding your way to your begging place, for God's little girls. I was crying and praying and reading and finally I had to take a nap. So I did. He got there about 9 to talk to me. The conversation was rigid at first. But we overcame it and it began to be how every night in our relationship should've been handled when we would argue. It was amazing to see that side. The side of him I knew was in there just scared to come out for fear of vulnerability. And I waited patiently and finally met him. My Landyn. The man I'd longed for. The man I knew this boy could be. And I let my heart be healed and my walls and guards down because at that moment I realized that he was what I wanted and he wanted me too.
I'd love to end this as Nicholas Sparks does and have a happily ever after. But sadly the end is the part that gets me every time. I told him he could stay over that night, but had to leave early because dad passes it on the way to work in the morning ( I know not the best thing I've ever done) I felt awful when I sat up and saw my daddy's truck at ten til five in that driveway. I've never seen my dad so calmly angry. I knew I was in deep trouble. After that perfect night this would only be a fitting morning. Dad told me he'd talk to me about it later. So I made myself sick with worry all day. Trying to talk to Landyn while he was at work and find a way to fix this. I knew it'd take time to be with him again and for my family to accept it. I was willing to put forth the time and effort. I just hate letting my parents feel as if I'm going against them because I know they wouldn't think this was best. Well when me and my dad were home he backed out on the talking and took the cabin key I had and pretty much made it clear I wouldn't be moving in there. I let Landyn know our entire argument throughout the day was pointless. And we talked on the phone for nearly two hours and made our way of starting over. And at the very end I did bring up something important to me and him, our religious differences. Well the phone call ended with me taking a deep ragged breath and telling him I loved him but I want and he deserves to be with someone who will be able to go to church with him and experience all he feels with him and I told him I didn't believe I could go to church without having someone I spend my life with to not share that with me too. And He told me he loved me and goodbye.
I sent him a text of the words I could not muster enough strength to say on the phone. But the crying didn't start until the reply he sent back, that melted my heart and I knew one day he would be the happiest man on earth and have his happily ever after. Even if it wasn't with me. I knew I wanted that for him because he deserved it. I knew I could never 100% be what he needed for the rest of his life. And he did the same for me, and I firmly believe when I see him around my heart won't ache from the bad, it may ache from missing him, but I will be happy to see him and I will say hi maybe even get a hug. And if I ever see him around with a girl I will want to her to know what she's got. And I will expect him to treat her right, but to her she better be what he needs and treat him right, I know what's he's been through and what he's done to help people. When he finds the girl I hope I get to meet her. I want to be introduced not as his exgirlfriend but as a friend because for two months and 9 days he was my best friend.
This man stole my heart in a month but will own a piece of it for a lifetime. You never forget your first love. And I will never for get him. I wish him the best in everything. What he taught me and what he said to me and what his last two texts said I'll never forget. I'll have them in my heart forever. He means everything to me even though it's better for us both to be apart. I will never forget our time together, our love, and what we meant to each other. Because I believe we had a true real love. A love real enough to know what was best for the other and the fact we couldn't be it broke my heart but it made me realize how much he truly loves me. And I can only hope he knows how much I love and care for him.
Well that's my story. I hope you didn't cry too much...
Love,
ME
I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment