First Cut Is The Deepest

Thanks for the warning Sheryl.

The long drawn out rant of a girl left behind and finally bowing out of this "love" business.

I'm by no means a crier. I'm a puncher, thrower, screamer, and a yeller. Most of all I'm a runner. I don't know why I run, I guess it's the easiest. When you run you can run toward something or away from something, set a goal and reach it or just run to run. I run away from feelings, I always found myself "invincible" to the feelings a normal girl should this whole "puppy love" in high school was never my thing. My first boyfriend didn't come til college and even then he only lasted a week, so did the next and some even shorter. My longest record is just under 3 months. I'm afraid of commitment. (There I said it, it's out) Things like that terrify me. The thought of love and heartbreak, of marriage that could lead to divorce the wrong choices. The fights and ache. I just never ever honestly wanted to feel it.

From the time I was 9 years old I was losing important people around me. I girl I looked up to died in a car accident, my favorite uncle committed suicide, in the same week. Sure I had a great childhood with friends, activities, both my parents and a lot of family. But something's always been missing in my life. I'm yet to find what it is, but I know what was added. A fear. Abandonment, most likely. I've had people leaving, dying or going away from me what feels like my entire conscious life. I never learned to deal with it so I became afraid of it. Afraid of someone important to me and my life going away, passing away, just breaks my heart. I something I never learned to cope with and now, tonight, I really really realize this as I begin my new chapter in life. A successful one. An adult one.

This month is the last one I have as 20 years old. And as I turn 21 I plan to make lots of changes. I've already made a few. I quit biting my nails after 20 years. I found a relationship and put everything I knew how to put in it and gave it my 100% and I find myself tonight feeling low, inadequate, and plain unlovable. When I began thinking about relationships I decided that's how I would go after them with my whole heart. Sometimes I'm not sure how to always show it and sometimes I screw up and cause things to go completely wrong, but who doesn't? No one's perfect and I'm not going to sit here and claim to be. But the one thing I know is when I do anything I do it with all of my everything in me. Eccl. 9:10 - Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. For there is no wisdom, knowledge or teaching in death where you are going.  Yeah, that is how I do things. So when I get hurt, it hurts everything, my heart, soul and body.

I was a closet romantic. Believing in romance was only found in my Nicholas Sparks books. I am a realist. Things like The Notebook just plain and simple don't happen to run of the mill ordinary girls like me. So being a closet romantic is out for me. I'm done. Love comes and it goes and when it goes it hurts, and nothing can fill the space of the addiction. I found this out the hard way. When I say I'm a realist, I just know what to expect and what not to get excited about. Well I don't know how and I fought the feeling as long as I could, but after spending almost everyday with a guy I had known for a month and a half (half the month we weren't dating) I fell in love. It was one of those "can't eat, can't sleep, over the fence world series kind of thing". Truly I never knew it could ever happen to me. I see it everyday around me. With two of my best friends getting married and countless that already have been and a bestie who's had a boyfriend 3 years I know that love exists. Feeling it however had never happened to me before. Let me tell you, I was scared beyond belief. And he knew something was up. I told him and what do you know, that boy loved me back! He did more for me than he'll ever know. We fought. Oh, we fought. But he didn't let me run, he didn't freak out too bad when I cried. He wanted to hold me when I did. And he was who I wanted there, even if it was him who made me cry. And always when we'd fight I could only think of a cheesy line from, none other than, The Notebook, "They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday... But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other." That kept me going honestly, it could happen even if we fought like complete opposites, that we were, I knew I loved him and he loved me. Don't get me wrong, I love Nicholas Sparks, I love The Notebook, both the book and the movie. But I believe finding love out me in a fairytale land and I had to hold on to this love like I could never find another. I did. I believe it drove him and I apart. This all leads me to say, I believe in love. I know what it feels like but now and as of Saturday I know what it feels like to be broken. To be picked up with a few scratches and dents and to be slammed down like glass on concrete. For a long time there will not be a minute that goes by that I won't think of him. All our potential everything we could have been. And I will smile and I will miss him with all of my broken worn out fragile heart. Even though he's the cause for the breaking I feel as if he can be the only balm. 


I have a thing, it makes me uncomfortable. Touch. People who I don't know touching me, drives me insane. My brother and my best friend are seriously the only people I can stand to hug me hen this feeling goes on hiatus. Oh, and him. His hug sends calms through my body and my nerves are suddenly at ease. I hate this truth. 


I'm learning to get better. I need a change for no one but myself. I've been an emotional doormat for everyone around me. I've been run over stepped on and kicked out of the way for people my whole life. I put others first. That's not a bad thing right? Right and Wrong. You have to know where to put yourself, God is first and family is second but you need to be somewhere in between. For the first time in my life I'm going to think of me. What makes ME happy. What makes ME uncomfortable. What make ME, well me. The journey of myself begins today. With all feeling gone I begin to live for me. (and God) Attaching myself to things has been my biggest difficulty, and today I proclaim myself as a wall and a guarded heart. Yes, I'm afraid of being hurt, but what's life without risks? I have to do things for me. If its not making me happy, I won't do it. If it's not making me a better me, I'm done with it. That's the new me. The new me is going to get out there, have friends, and make some great memories. I'm going to do this independently. I don't need someone or something to make me happy. I am happy. It's not a destination it's a way of life. When you stop searching for it it comes to you softly like a butterfly landing on your shoulder. And everyday will have a good heck, even great quality about it. And that is my promise. Not to you. But to me. Because I matter. I need to stop looking for someone to tell me I matter, I need to matter to myself. And that's exactly what I plan to do.

It all makes sense what I need to do. So here is me. Doing it.

Love
ME

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone."